Earlier this year, I was having fika with one of the local university students. She was friendly, chatty, and like all the other females in this town, named Maria. A proud, native Umebo.

 

As we drank our fair trade lattes, we were discussing Botniabanan, the massive north Sweden, pain in the arse, trainline that's being built. Suddenly Maria said: “You know, when Umeå becomes the Culture Capital of Europe in 2014, Botniabanan will be so convenient for all the tourists to get here.”

 

I laughed so hard that bubbles of organic soy milk were coming out of my nose. Maria was not only friendly and chatty, she was also funny! Umeå - The Culture Capital of Europe! Tourists! Culture! Umeå! All in the same sentence! It was the best joke I had heard in a long time.

 

My fika companion was staring at me with a blank expression on her face. She was not amused. It took me full 27 seconds to realize she was serious. Dead serious. So, I challenged her to give me one example of European class culture in Umeå. Her response was not surprising: she continued to stare at me with a blank expression on her face, unable to name a single thing.

 

Needless to say, that was the last time I had fika with Maria. She graduated, and like all proud, native Umebos, moved elsewhere in search of work and excitement. But my quest for culture in Umeå had just begun.

 

Not just any culture. World-class culture. Surely, if this town aspires to become Europas kulturhuvudstad, it must have something special to contribute to the vast and varied European cultural life, other than the Z grade film festival, and a jazz event that couldn't get a well known musician to attend, even if its very survival depended on it. And oh yeah, the world's northernmost opera house. Where you go to see nobody who's famous, and nobody who's going to be famous. In other words, your typical provincial town, with its provincial culture for its provincial inhabitants.

 

Sadly, some of those provincial inhabitants, who obviously have never seen an example of world class culture, or even European class culture, dream big. Bigger than big. They dream like Hugo Chavez after a binge of Red Bull and acid. They compared the cultural life in Umeå to that of New Delhi. Which provoked jolly laughter and much head shaking of the few unlucky New Delhians who happened to live here.

 

To solve this cultural mystery, I went straight to the source - the almighty City Hall. And like my fika pal Maria, I asked them to provide just one example of world class culture in our lovely town. Of course they couldn't, and after a while, they stopped responding to my emails altogether.

 

So, I took to the streets, and asked the local masses at large. The local masses were stumped. They knew there was culture here, but world class? Never heard of it. Had the great unwashed of Umeå heard about the Culture Capital quest? They laughed in my face. Out of 127 people asked, 124 thought it was a total waste of time and money. 2 liked the idea, and 1 could only speak Urdu.

 

But the dreamers at City Hall plow ahead. With the budget of 5 million crowns a year, they plan to promote the candidacy of Umeå for the European Capital of Culture in 2014. They are proud of Umeå's theatre, music, food culture, architecture, sports, art, film, and probably a few other things that I am too embarrassed to list here. They believe that Umeå can win.

 

I believe it's a great way of wasting 5 million crowns a year. They might as well shred the pile of cash in the city square and burn it in a great bonfire, with singing, dancing, and much hand clapping.

 

The result would be about the same, if not better.

 

From way up North,

MJ Bliss goes in search of culture......

photo: MJ Bliss

 

Just shy of the Arctic Circle

8 long hours drive from Stockholm. Botniabanan (due for completion 2010).

Moose hunting, beaver hunting, mushroom picking, drinking and fighting, Young Communist party meetings

The soviet inspired architecture, Europe’s most modern dairy farm across the river, Europe’s largest indoor sports center, Young Communist party meetings

Cultural events include: knitting circle, sheep shearing, moose hunting, flat bread baking, country dancing, Young Communist party meeting