In October last year I registered my company with Bolagsverket. For the 1000SEK this cost me, I got a certificate and, at no extra charge, I have been put on the database for every two-bit junk mail and telesales marketing company in Sweden. An inundation of junk mail is an irritation that goes straight to the recycling bin, but cold calling telesales pitches are more of a stimulating challenge. Bring it on! I am ever ready to lock swords with a telemarketeer as they cry their motto of ‘Two For One and One for 30% less!’
Back in London, my strategy was to hang up the phone after curtly asking to be taken off their list. In Sweden, I can’t afford to be so abrupt as my Swedish is not yet good enough to instinctively recognise the salesman’s tone of voice; deep inside I always have the nagging fear that I may in fact be haranguing a potential client, or even missing out on a genuine deal. Swedes are so reluctant to make casual contact with people, that there is also the possibility of putting off a new found friend who has spontaneously picked up the phone and wants to chat… then again.
As a precaution, I have started double and triple checking what the caller’s motive is. One of the techniques that I use to disguise my weak Swedish is to repeat what the speaker says and to incorporate it into my own sentence. So the conversation ends up sounding like a cheap radio commercial for mobile phones (it’s usually something to do with phones). A typical conversation goes something like:
“I’m phoning to reduce the amount you pay each month in mobile phone bills”
“You’re phoning to tell me that you can reduce the amount I pay each month in mobile phone bills?”
“That’s right. I can reduce the amount you pay by 30%”
“You can reduce the amount I pay by 30%?”
Another factor is that Sweden has made me take a more passive outlook on life. Living in London, my natural disposition was to be offensive to people until I had a reason to be nice. Here in Sweden it’s the reverse. I still find it a bit weird. As a result I have decided to see the telesales call as a free Swedish lesson. The challenge is to keep them on the phone for as long as possible, whilst practising the art of being obtuse.
I was cycling into town last week as my phone rang.
“Hello Benjamin”
“Hello”
“How are you today?”
“I’m fine. How are you?”
“I’m calling from Telia….”
“Just a minute, I asked you how you were?”
“I’m fine. My name’s Lena and I’m calling from Telia…”
“Hi Lena, how are you, really?”
“Fine”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“There’s nothing I can do?”
“No I’m fine… honestly…. What telephone network do you use?”
“What telephone network do you use?”
“How much do you pay?”
“How much do you pay?”
“Are you happy with your telephone network?”
“Am I happy? What do you mean happy? What is happy?”
“Well, I mean, you know, happy.”
“Oh ‘happy’… listen, Lena, I’m on my bike and I’m about to go down a hill. I need both hands for a second. Can you hold?”
One minute later…
“So what do you mean, happy?”
“Well, I mean…..”
“Hang on Lena, it’s another hill. Hold the line….”
I managed three one-minute hills before she eventually realised that she wasn’t going to ‘make that sale’
Another call involved getting a free pair of socks. I can’t quite remember what the product was, but the poor salesman had the task of making socks sound exciting. Of course all I had to do was to pay for the postage and packing, which needless to say was only slightly more expensive than, dare I say it, a pair of socks.
“What colour do the socks come in?”
“Beige, black, brown or blue”
“I’ll have green”
“We haven’t got green we’ve got beige, black, brown or blue.”
“No green?”
“No.”
“Ok. I’ll take red.”
“We don’t do red. It’s beige, black, brown or blue.”
“Can I have one sock in black and blue and one in beige and blue?”
It’s no good just saying that I only speak English, as the only time I did this was the only time I’ve ever been suckered into buying something from the salesman. I don’t know, I just become a lot more vulnerable when the other person is using the second language. It gives me an unfair advantage. In this particular case the salesman’s mum was from Bradford. It was too much to hear a Yorkshire/Swedish accent and I agreed to receive ‘a number of cleaning products’ for which I only had to pay postage and packing. It was a slow morning and I was fascinated at how the sales pitch involved questions like
“What kind of spills do you get in your line of work?”
And
“You’ll find this toilet cleaner a really superior product.”
I had imagined I’d be getting a lifetime supply of washing up powder but needless to say when the tiny cardboard box arrived I was somewhat disappointed. I humoured the follow up call, which involved questions like:
“How did you find the washing up liquid?”
And
“Did the fabric conditioner exceed your expectations?”
Unfortunately, now that I am on the list I get regular calls from Chris, who it turns out is based in Puerto Banus, Spain, living it up on his sales commission. He calls to eschew the qualities of their many cleaning products and I try and be polite while trying to find words to commend bleach.
“I think of your company every time I clean the toilet” I tell him, in all honesty.
(All dialogue inaccurately remembered and shoddily translated by the author)
Cold Call, Hard Sell
Ben Kersley uses the telephone
